I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize