I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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