babies were throwing up all over the place
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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