genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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