You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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