I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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