just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
