But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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