He had one of those small greek statue penises
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
