There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
