Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
