Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
