I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
