so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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