I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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