youre lurking in front of me
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
ugly people sure do ruin things
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
