My nipple is on Facebook.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
