If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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