she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
