I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize