there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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