everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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