Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
