I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize