Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Found the puke drawer
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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