I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
