my phone needs a breathalizer
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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