This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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