I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
