Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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