sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
