i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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