I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
The adults are the big ones right?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
