She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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