well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
