just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
