If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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