FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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