So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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