My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
