I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
