Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
