I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
