just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
