Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
