Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
