I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
