I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize