I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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