But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize