Sry I called you an 8
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Buhtt sex?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
