i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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