You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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