peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
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