Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize