I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
