we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
