Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Enjoy the penises
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
