mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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