If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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