whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I was not drunk enough for that final.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
