You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
