i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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