well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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