We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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