i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
