Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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