Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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